July 27, 2015

Today I recounted the breaking point to an inquiring new and dear friend. Talking about it is easy now, but when I get into it I begin to feel the weight of what had past come to my throat. It’s nice to hear them say and acknowledge the heart break and pain. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was painful.

Yesterday I was post wedding recovery and brunch/bloody marys with the Nash’s downtown. We talked about Hawaii for Christmas. C’est possible! I removed Australia from my itinerary for the fall. I’m going to focus on just Asia. I feel like I want a fuller / singular experience there. I cannot wait.

I’ve been casually dating thanks to dating apps. I’m not going for a record but I have had 4 dates in one week and two in one night. haha.. It’s been fun and boring and interesting and sweet. It’s weird to have the mindset of “unintentional” dating. Basically I just need to not care about the person I’m seeing. Why do I get attached so easily?

I climbed a tree with a british boy. We rendezvous’d to soak up the evening sun and drink beers on the edge of Lake Merritt. We both rode our bikes there. We talked of Seville and London and the light in Scotland. He’s a little shy and stutters out of nervousness a little when about to speak. He’s only been here a few months. Oakland is new to us both.

Two months here now. I’m headed out to Texas/Florida/New York next week for 10 days. Work and fun. I am grateful for this life.

Quotes collected recently

“She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look like nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.”

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

“Honor the space between no longer and not yet.”

“He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.”

July 14, 2015

Today I must edit three sessions, practice my uke before my teacher arrives and meet a guy I met online for drinks.

Marci congratulated me on my “casual” dating. Thanks.

Oakland has been a rough transition. I have been working so much I have had no time to socialize/make new friends here and so when I do have those moments of needing a familiar friendly face at the end of the day I am left without. It’s been a productive month of shooting/editing.. but a lonely one for sure.

I’m setting my intention to “be” more graciously and without so much expectation.

July 1, 2015

I’ll be sedentary for the next 4 weeks. This news may be a minor miracle. I survived the madness of April/May/June. Well, barely. Allergies that turned into a sinus infection that turned into my body shutting down with a fever for 4 days. Ok July. Let’s bring on the slower pace.

I pick up my bicycle tomorrow and I’m so stoked to enjoy some freedom from a car. (But, I am so thankful for my car.)

June 19, 2015

I forcing myself to write even though I am not inspired to.

I am so overwhelmed by work I cannot breathe.

I moved into my place in a flurry. I hosted my first guest the same day after my friend Lili’s departure I passed out with a fever for three days. Too much going on. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” and well death sounded pretty good but I made myself rest.
My room and space is coming along. I want so badly for my space to be perfect but I’m also deciding what that even means. It’s good that I can’t afford to buy anything else. It’s forcing me to just take it all in. It definitely feels like home though and I even managed to find a gorgeous vista 20 mins from my place. Score. I love the newness of this familiar and-yet-not, town. Cheers to this next chapter for sure.

I made peace with my past. Peace with Frankie, Peace with Rob, Peace with Kyle. Simple conversations that needed to happen. I wonder why I feel so generous. Maybe because I am stable on my own again?
I knew I needed this space. And time is a beautiful thing.

June 2, 2015

NYC

A grand rendezvous of my worlds. Sf/Paris and NYC in the flesh and sharing smiles. Perhaps this all really does work after all. “You’ve created something special for yourself”. Indeed I have. I have sweet people to call my friends. Ones that fly across the world or country to hangout. I am so grateful.
4 weddings and multiple shoots in NYC this year. Maybe NYC is a good place to be for my in-betweens. It’s something to think about. The stress level has been out of control though for these weddings. Rental car prices and being scammed and towed has cost me my ability to purchase a bed for myself.

. Realizations — I’m an independent woman that likes her time and space for herself as much as possible.
I’m ready for something new . I want time and space for myself free of obligations.
I want to work hard.
I want to get my degree and finish my education.
I need to start thinking of my future. – savings, retirement etc
I want to do personal projects – create /collaborate

Goals for the summer – lose 5lbs, put aside some savings, continue with French, take up ukulele, explore Oakland – Find Balance.

May 14, 2015

Grateful for – connections with new people that I have been able to maintain during this transitory year that have turned into friendships.
For old friendships that I have fought for and hopefully will continue to survive this next transition.
For work work work! My bills are paid, I have a car, a home and travel on the horizon. I am so grateful.
For my body, my mind, my spirit. These things are me. They are mine. They belong to no one but me and they are uniquely me.

Things I want to work on -
Be a better listener.
Push myself when I feel that I am getting lazy (in work, in life, in myself). This happens too often.
Drink less. Way less. Be ok with that person that isn’t “sasha”.

April 27, 2015

Boom. And the new chapter begins..

I signed a lease for a place to live and bought a car. I bought a car. Double up the commitment and leave me panting for breath. Here we go!

April 17, 2015

“Let’s” – Together we go.

A last few days…

I had lunch with Jason with PLU and we discussed visas, arts in Paris and grassroots activism. I really appreciate seeing / hearing other peoples perspectives of their or other’s worlds. Or seeing yourself through their filter. Bigger picture and wider vision is oh so important.

Time to reset my own perspective once again.

First of all… I saw and realized my own needs over the last 6 weeks. My freedom, independence and personal space are vital to my singular contentedness. These are basic human rights no?

Second of all I realized how much of an awful and selfish person I am. Short tempered, impatient, ungracious. Self conscience, anxious. Considering the moment I’ll allow my self the self loathing.
I can hardly stand to see myself. It’s a wonder Amel put up with me for so long.

I love this woman dearly.

After lunch I went to craft café and worked like a dog and knocked some serious work out. Amel met up with me and we took crepes just around the corner. We were joined by a French Algerian girl whose arm was in a sling. She was a baby (22) and had more sass and gumption than most grown men I know.

From there I met up with Rapha for a post work drink. It was great to see him and catch up. 3 years of time was evident on him. No longer the white sneakers and tshirt or suit that didn’t fit. Before me was a man, close shaven beard – fancy shoes and slick blazer carrying his briefcase. We talked of his girlfriends (a few of which I’ve met) and how happy he is and hopeful with the current. He was the first person I met when I arrived in Paris 3 years ago. He too “feels like home”.. fun memories and the time and space that was shared at that flat will be with me always. I’m glad I didn’t stay there this time. It was (and is) time to move on to create the next chapter. When we parted ways he showed me a photo of all my Paris postcards that are on their living room wall. He told me that they will all be moving out soon and for sure will fight over how to split them up.

I always leave Paris feeling “unfinished”. I always want and need more time there.

My final day was breakfast with Amel and our favorite L’industrie. We walked Bastille and laid in the grass under the pink blossom trees an lined the canal. The weather has finally turned fucking gorgeous and every tree bud is a bright green. What once was a cold and skeletal gray paris is no popping with color. Everyone feels it and all the terrasses and are bursting with people.

I walked seine, isle saint maire, over to Hotel De Ville and went to the Magnum exposition there. I bought Amel and present and then walked home through the marais taking pictures along the way. One last stop in place de Vosges and I can hardly recognize the place since spring was now in full force.

Almost complete silence from Kyle in the last 10 days. I felt the distance too strongly and decided to say something. Maybe is better to face these things head on and but response I got was a devastating one. He’s decided to move back to Colorado. In simple enough words he said “I can’t fall for someone like you”. “someone like me” I said?” “gypsy” was his response.

I thanked him for his honesty and let a tear fall.

Like hozier said “ every day I fall in love, I fall in love a little more every day”. I suppose by letting myself fall 2 times a year isn’t that bad. It’s nice to feel those things every once in a while.

I had made reservations for 4 people at a crepery that had been recommended by the farm. Ambroise, Lili, Amel and I savored the deliciousness. These three people have meant so much to me this trip and I wouldn’t have wanted my last evening any other way.

I’m on my way to Vegas to rendezvous with my favorite Australian I met in a hostel in London over a year ago. I love this sweet sassy girl and I’m so excited to spend her 30th birthday with her. Esther is joining me as well as Angie. It will be a great time for sure.

Culture R was bursting with people. Their space made up for the dropping temperatures of outside. I needed a kind, comforting males presence and Ambroise was just that. He told me of a rooftop bar nearby and we wandered over and ordered fancy cocktails and tried our best to communicate through our lack of the other’s language ability. Amel, Ambroise, Esther and I are going to meet up in NYC in just over a month from now. I cannot wait.

Amel met up with us at the hipster beer bar around the corner. We drank fancy brews and bitched about whatever giggling about every other thing in-between until the bar closed.

I don’t want to leave. I love these people and this city and this way of life. I don’t want to leave.

April 14, 2015

Rien n’est jamais fini pour toujour.

I chose – friends, new places (Belgium, Nice, Romania), working hard, letting go, dancing, good food, hikes in forests, fancy dinners at rue saint honore, baby photos, friend photo parties, late night beers with the locals, baby cows, taking care of my body, homemade meals, friendship, building relationships and communicating gratefulness. I chose to try to commit. I guess that means I chose awareness.

Sunday I hosted along with a friend a photo apero. It was a perfectly warm and sunny sunday afternoon with the sweet people I have gotten to know here in Paris. Everyone has different ideas on how to keep me here or how to get me back.
It is nice to hear that I am wanted here. Their talk gives me hope that it would be possible to be here.

April 10, 2015

So many things on my mind today -

Commitment, gypsiness, photography careers and travel.

I am wracked with anxiety for the wedding tomorrow and the shoot next week. I don’t know why. Because it’s in France, different customs, expectations? I don’t know. Good news is that we are all a part of the snow ball that is running down this hill (ie wedding day). Can’t really go wrong I suppose. Tell a story, hands, emotions, light. Tell a story. You’ll be fine.

Many conversations with Amel about relationships and commitment. Me realizing I have a huge problem committing to anything aside from my clients. It was part of the problem that contributed to the car issue with D. I like being free, not held down to anything or anyone. It saves me from anxiety and worry/pressure. I have been stringing along this idea of moving to Oakland for 6 months now. When I realized I was the problem with the follow through.. I emailed her and signed the lease. I officially move to Oakland June 1st.
I then spent 2 hours looking at flight and travel info for my two months in asia /australia this fall. I guess it’s a give and take. ha!
I need to purchase functioning supporting elements now – bed, desk, car. I’m excited but overwhelmed by monies.. ugh. I would like my new space to be really really really simple. Ultra basics. clean bright. Cheery. Mine.

KTD – Not as attentive as late. I can tell the time/separation is waning on him. 10 days to go until I return. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to camp in Big sur this summer (yes.) and also tagged me in a Havana advertisement on IG. I asked him if he wanted to come to NYC with me in a month. He said yes.. but? I guess we’ll see. News from him saying he is considering moving to Austin this fall. Asking how I feel about long distance relationships. blah.. Maybe I should remind myself of the things that do not fit for us. Maybe I should just shut up and be present and stop trying to create something and let it just happen. haha…

Paris – I haven’t found my rhythm this time. I feel out of sorts on a daily basis. I cannot figure out why. Maybe because I’m not trying to date – not that anyone has asked me. Maybe because I’m being careful to focus on the people I’ve already met and not create new relationships that will be impossible to maintain. I don’t know. All my friendships here have changed. The people that I once had as my community are gone. Naturally so.. it’s the same for home in CA. It is obviously the end of this chapter here. 2 years is a solid chapter indeed. Not the last chapter mind you, just the end of this one. I love dearly the people I do have here and I will miss Amel, Ambroise and others so much. It is so tough opening yourself to people, places and things. By filling your heart with these things you are always left with the space of their absence afterwards. What a beautiful thing that is to have.
I visited the farm again this week and didn’t want to leave. It is heaven heaven heaven out there. A simple life and way of being. Animals, cultivating artisinal products, trees, flowers, natural beauty and working in the elements. Simplicity is a beautiful thing.
I don’t want to leave Paris but I am so looking forward to being back. I know in a weeks time after being home I will be bleu bleu bleu with sadness of not returning to Paris this year.

What do you have for me life? What do you have for me.