December 10, 2014

i left the
baggage at
the door
not
because i
didn’t want it
anymore;
it just became
too much to
carry.

i blew the
dust off:
finally
finding
the courage to
start a new
chapter,
finding the
strength to
rebuild my
queendom
between
streams of
unparalleled
cracks
of
insecurities.

i am a
witness:
god can
make
detached
branches
fruitful
again.
-destiny janae

December 7, 2014

I was in bed at 8pm. The party started at 8pm.  I had spent the day at the hospital and the three days prior being a “mom”.  I was exhausted… but I knew I needed to be social.  I was turning into a recluse and the blues were heavy every night.  I talked myself into going, borrowed a dress from my “kid” and headed downtown.  I walked into a house where I didn’t know a single person.  By the end of it..  I, well..  I dont know why I doubt myself.  I had new friends, coffee dates, happy hour rendezvous and a smile on my face as I fell to sleep at 4am.

December 6, 2014

I can’t breath.

December 1, 2014

Baby of Marci-licious was born at 11:30pm last night.  Sweetness and photographing those tender moments just after.  So heart melting.  But my resolve of not birthing children remain. No thanks.

Much to do this winter.  As hard as it is to sit still and breathe, I need it. My heart aches for my autre maison.

Trying to figure out what to do next without rushing into it.

Currently living with a sweet family.  All the right elements.  Hugging my heart.

November 24, 2014

the german invited me to join him for Friendsgiving.  I figured why not and it would be with other people not just the two of us.. so, I agreed.

I wore this lovely flowy black maxi skirt and a denim top. I was fancy fied compared to everyone else.

It started light with dinner and wine..  then ping pong in the back yard, followed by beer pong.  We lost.  At some point the cops came and asked us to turn down the music.  At some point someone dared me to jump in the pool.  They jumped first, then I followed.  Off of the roof of the house.  I pushed the german in the pool.  His phone and his pride were soaked. ( He replaced it today. Cost him $400. He wants to take me to a movie tonight. ) We danced in the living room until 5am.  Friendsgiving.

ha..

November 20, 2014

Ginger molasses cookies in the oven, new damien rice on my spotify and edits uploading.  Fall is here.  Rain, cold toes and christmas sales beckoning my empty wallet.

I applied for an apartment in Sacramento.  Anxiety wrapped my brain as I stared at the application for almost an hour.  This is not what I want.  I’m visiting a friend in the bay tomorrow. Maybe this will prove more promising.

 

November 7, 2014

Howdy.

I arrived in Houston and snuggled my besty.  I have missed her so.

We sat on the couch and I told her some of my crazy stories. Some funny. Some sad.  As I told the story I watched her eyes go big with surprise. Heard her laugh at the appropriate climax and then cry with me as I ended another chapter of yet another saga.   We have been together for some of the craziest moments of each others lives so far.  She feels like home.

FC conference – great. Not great. Needed. A waste of time.   Much to do on the photography front of things.  Much to do…

More thoughts on this later.

I spent an hour looking at flights for – Australia, Japan, Thailand, India and Romania.   I am insatiable.

 

 

October 17, 2014

I’m not referring to my native tongue.

My world view, my heart’s tick, my spirit, the way I love.

It’s hard enough communicating in English. Let alone translation between french, Spanish  or English.  There are never enough words anyways.

Energy, vibes, love at first site, chemistry, eye contact and a smile. These things do not lie. Words are not needed. These things exist beyond them.

 

Be free from expectations of what should be.  Stop planning every inth of your life.  What is a few months? What is a few years?    – Fear of missing out. Lost opportunities?

Grand ideas and big vision. For what? For whom?

 

Spontaneity. Serendipity. Smiles.

October 15, 2014

5th day back in california and I bought a car.

I felt 16 again.  I felt like an adult again.

Freedom, responsibility, relief and independence.  The necessary elements to survive these next few months.  Exact time to be determined.

 

The next step is residence.  Market prices, convenience, lifestyle, Judy.  These are the factors for the next decision.  My anxiety is killing me.  Make other people happy? Make myself happy?  Restless beast.

 

Working like a dog. Tis the season!  Push through and enjoy your holidays.  Go go go.

 

October 9, 2014

Day three of being sick and the only thing I want to do is  stay in bed all day.  Luckily I had committed to coffee with Kristin..   I piled out of bed and quickly threw myself together.

 

When I’m in Paris it’s always conversations of -  What I am doing here, what visa I have, what visa you have, how much French I don’t know..  the conversations go round and round and then we sit or stand there idly drinking whatever beverage we’ve paid too much for.

 

He messaged me on whatsapp and asked how my weekend was. Followed with an invitation to coffee that evening.  He used the words “honey” and “really enjoyed my time with you”.

 

The metro seemed to take forever.. one of those mornings when things are delayed for who knows what.  I arrived  20 mins past the agreed time and a small moment of panic hit me thinking she may have left.

 

In Paris you are always meeting new people. These friends, their friends, colleagues,  “oh my friend is in Paris you should meet…”.. Pretty soon you have your CV summation ready in a quick 20 word format.

 

I agreed to meet even though I was sick.  I wasn’t sure that I wanted to see him again.  Sure I had fun.  But .. but.  Things I didn’t and did like.  His candidness. His candidness.  At least he was consistent to the very end.

 

We both exclaimed air and relief upon seeing each other. We had both been late and she arrived just 5 mins before me.  I ordered a cappuccino and the granola  being as I had hardly been awake for more than an hour at this point.  She was wearing her usual hipster inspired black and even though she exclaimed to have come from the boyfriends place across town , seemed just as put together as when I saw her last night.

 

I love meeting new people.  I know what when you meet someone you are really just scratching the surface.  I really prefer to have more time with people.  I want to know who they really are.  But other people aren’t really into displaying themselves right away. .. or even later.  Not everyone is a bleeding heart like I am.

 

Midday I had a thought to cancel.  Why am I seeing this guy before I go?  Do I really want to give him anymore of my time? For what? My hours in Paris are precious and I don’t want to waste them on a sentence that doesn’t contribute to the story. True to Parisian fashion I was 20 mins late.  I saw him near the café.. looking around, looking at his phone..  I was crossing the street and he started walking away.  I thought maybe he was just going to put his helmet on his vespa, but then I realized he was walking AWAY and when I glanced at my phone I realized I was in fact 30 mins late. I burst into a sprint to catch him..

 

Our coffees arrived in vintage porcelain teacup complete with the saucer.  The floral leaves of the foam promised that the trek had been worth it.  Bare bulbs, vintage furniture and cozy couches. SF/NYC/Paris.  They are all the same after all.  I can find my home wherever I am in the world.

 

When you are gone so much it is easy for people to forget about you.  They may not want to..  but it just happens. Cv’s are only so interesting, memories made only warm you for so long, every one moves forward. Not always at the same pace.

 

We sat down. We talked about our separate weekends.  He gave me more of the same sarcasm/insecurity and consternating honesty that makes me as myself  ” why is he saying that”?  I wasn’t looking for affirmation, or French lessons via skype, or even the promise of seeing him again when I return.  He even throws in a “I’ve never been to SF..”.  I smile.  A smile of “sure!, if you like..” follow by a shrug of the shoulders.  Because I’m done having expectations.   I’m almost mystified.  I mean, I enjoyed our conversations, I find him attractive, we have things in common..  but I am not giggly  about him.  In fact, he said.. “ I will not seduce you or romanticize what this is.  I respect you to much to lead you on”.  Who says these things?  But I guess even that bold awkward honesty was in itself charming.  So I sat there longer intrigued by it all.

 

As we sipped out of our china she smoothed her platinum blond hair and told her story.. the same/ but so different to mine. Religious, married young, divorced and figuring life out as a child thrown into an adult dating world in our late 20’s.  She bought books, I chose experience as my teacher.  I was at peace with my religion. She, at peace with relationships.  We both marveled at the other’s.  I don’t know that we would ever be close friends. (But do we ever really chose those people?)  I know we have shared so much already.  At this point a wink, a pat of the arm and a shared cup of coffee on a gray day in Paris is all that is needed more.

 

He made a joke.. and then kissed me on the cheek.  It’s easy to do that when your seats are literally side by side.  He smokes through the pack non stop. He makes comments of quitting all the time. For me? Or for himself?  He told his mom he met an American.  He tells me He likes the way I think.  He gets a text message,  It’s from his best friend Victoria whom he is having dinner with that evening. “She’s my best friend “ he says.  Hm.

He asks if I’m going to run while i’m in SF.  I said yes..  he said that’s good, because my hips could use it.

 

Last days in Paris are always the same.  One part panic, one part stress, one part “just fuck it all”.  I remember all the things I wanted to do/ needed to do/ bummed I didn’t think to do.  I do what I can, see what I can, eat what I can. And try to be present for each one.  What else can you do?

 

 

I got a French phone number.  Only took me two years.