So many things on my mind today –
Commitment, gypsiness, photography careers and travel.
I am wracked with anxiety for the wedding tomorrow and the shoot next week. I don’t know why. Because it’s in France, different customs, expectations? I don’t know. Good news is that we are all a part of the snow ball that is running down this hill (ie wedding day). Can’t really go wrong I suppose. Tell a story, hands, emotions, light. Tell a story. You’ll be fine.
Many conversations with Amel about relationships and commitment. Me realizing I have a huge problem committing to anything aside from my clients. It was part of the problem that contributed to the car issue with D. I like being free, not held down to anything or anyone. It saves me from anxiety and worry/pressure. I have been stringing along this idea of moving to Oakland for 6 months now. When I realized I was the problem with the follow through.. I emailed her and signed the lease. I officially move to Oakland June 1st.
I then spent 2 hours looking at flight and travel info for my two months in asia /australia this fall. I guess it’s a give and take. ha!
I need to purchase functioning supporting elements now – bed, desk, car. I’m excited but overwhelmed by monies.. ugh. I would like my new space to be really really really simple. Ultra basics. clean bright. Cheery. Mine.
KTD – Not as attentive as late. I can tell the time/separation is waning on him. 10 days to go until I return. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to camp in Big sur this summer (yes.) and also tagged me in a Havana advertisement on IG. I asked him if he wanted to come to NYC with me in a month. He said yes.. but? I guess we’ll see. News from him saying he is considering moving to Austin this fall. Asking how I feel about long distance relationships. blah.. Maybe I should remind myself of the things that do not fit for us. Maybe I should just shut up and be present and stop trying to create something and let it just happen. haha…
Paris – I haven’t found my rhythm this time. I feel out of sorts on a daily basis. I cannot figure out why. Maybe because I’m not trying to date – not that anyone has asked me. Maybe because I’m being careful to focus on the people I’ve already met and not create new relationships that will be impossible to maintain. I don’t know. All my friendships here have changed. The people that I once had as my community are gone. Naturally so.. it’s the same for home in CA. It is obviously the end of this chapter here. 2 years is a solid chapter indeed. Not the last chapter mind you, just the end of this one. I love dearly the people I do have here and I will miss Amel, Ambroise and others so much. It is so tough opening yourself to people, places and things. By filling your heart with these things you are always left with the space of their absence afterwards. What a beautiful thing that is to have.
I visited the farm again this week and didn’t want to leave. It is heaven heaven heaven out there. A simple life and way of being. Animals, cultivating artisinal products, trees, flowers, natural beauty and working in the elements. Simplicity is a beautiful thing.
I don’t want to leave Paris but I am so looking forward to being back. I know in a weeks time after being home I will be bleu bleu bleu with sadness of not returning to Paris this year.
What do you have for me life? What do you have for me.
